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Full Description
A Gentle, Powerful Guide to Real Connection No Matter Where You Are in Life
Whether you're a teenager figuring out who your people are, a young adult navigating new cities and shifting circles, or someone in midlife or beyond wondering what happened to the closeness you once felt—How to Be a Friend (In an Unfriendly World) is for you.
This book meets you where you are and offers a drop of joy. Originally developed from a Columbia University master's course for psychologists, it's written in warm, accessible prose for anyone who's ever asked: What does it really mean to show up for someone?
In a fractured, distracted world, people aren't looking for another productivity hack. They're craving something real. How to Be a Friend is that invitation. It is not a quick fix, or a lecture, but a grounded reminder of what friendship can be. It doesn't preach. It reminds us gently, and with lasting impact.
Inside, you'll find:
Short, powerful chapters rooted in real stories and experience
Simple exercises and "friendship workouts" to help you practice what matters
Tools for listening more deeply and setting boundaries with heart
Ways to reconnect with yourself—and others—without pressure or performance
A rare blend of psychology, spirituality, and everyday humanity
Reflection prompts that turn good intentions into action
A clear-eyed look at why friendships fade—and how to make them matter again
This is a how-to guide and a touchstone. A small-format companion with big impact. A book to keep on your nightstand—or give to someone you care about.
If you've ever felt like the world is a little too cold, too fast, or too lonely, How to be a Friend is your reminder that you are not alone - and never have to be.
Contents
Introduction xvii
Prologue xxiii
Part I Separation 1
Chapter 1 The Stories That Shape Our Relationships 3
The First Story 6
The Second Story 8
The Walls Between Us 11
Rethinking Self-Mastery 13
Chapter 2 Competition Versus Connection 17
The Cult of Crushing It 19
The Dark Side of Competition 20
Exhausting Schadenfreude 21
Chapter 3 Friendship as a Portal of Awakening 23
The Awakening 26
A Call to Aliveness 29
Waking Up Inside the Second Story 31
Where We're Going Next 33
Part II Healing 35
Chapter 4 Becoming a Safe Harbor: Understanding State-Bound Experiences 37
The Jägermeister Effect 39
Signals That Tell Us We've Fallen Out of the Present 41
The Gift of Understanding Our Patterns 44
Seeing the Body in a New Light 46
Why We Get Triggered So Quickly 47
Chapter 5 Becoming a Friend to Our Hurts, Triggers, and Patterns 51
Our Internal Protectors 54
Choiceless Choices 56
Outthinking Life: Our Personal Narratives Put to Use 60
Venturing Out Beyond Limitation 61
Through the Doorway of Vulnerability 62
Chapter 6 Releasing the Pain Held in the Body 65
The Gift of Remorse 68
Holding Grief 68
The Beauty in Our Brokenness 69
The Moment of Forgiveness 71
Chapter 7 The Embrace of Awareness 75
The Freedom of Awareness 77
Simple Tools to Soothe Your Nervous System 78
Out Beyond the First and Second Stories 80
Part III Revelation 83
Chapter 8 The Nine Tools of Friending 85
Friending Yourself: The Antidote to Ghosting 88
Tool #1: Strive to Provide Safety for Another 90
Tool #2: Strive to Reduce the Fear of Loss for Another 94
Tool #3: Strive to Reduce the Fear of Humiliation and Shame 96
Tool #4: Strive to Honor Where Another Is Coming From—and Where They Are Going 99
Tool #5: Seek to Provide Pleasure to Another 101
Tool #6: Seek to Listen Deeply to Another 102
Tool #7: Strive to Prioritize a Friendship with Commitment, Time, and Space 104
Tool #8: Seek to Forgive 106
Tool #9: Seek to See Another More Clearly 108
Compassion in Action 110
Chapter 9 Alone, Not Abandoned 113
Loneliness: The Uninvited Guest 114
Solitude: The Choice to Turn Inward 115
Self-Compassion and the Nine Tools 116
Loneliness in the Digital Age 118
Chapter 10 The Third Story 121
The Heartened Hero 125
Life Beyond Uncertainty— Making Friends with Flow 128
The Dance of Pleasure and Mystery 129
Chapter 11 Lucid Living 133
Freedom Beyond the Mind 135
Through the Eyes of Curiosity and Wonder 137
"Everyone I See Is Me": Opening to the Inconceivable 140
From Lucid Dreaming to Lucid Living 143
Atonement 145
Chapter 12 Every Story Is a Love Story 147
The End of Otherness 151
Acknowledgments 157
About the Author 159
Index 161
